Friday, May 25, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
5 Common Diapering And Potty Training Habits I Just Can't Relate To
Elimination Communication is not for everyone. I understand that, especially with today's busy lifestyles and carpeted floors. I consider myself fortunate in Western society to have the time and nonconformist attitude to be able to practice EC. But I never knew about it til my second child was over a month old. Til then I relied on diapers as most American parents of infants do. My oldest was in disposables for her first 4 months, then we switched to cloth. She spontaneously potty trained at 23 months. It was a rapid transition: she'd already been reliably dry through the night for many months, and "playing" with her little potty chair, until one day she peed and pooped on it first thing in the morning, I rewarded her with chocolates and in her precocious little voice she delightedly exclaimed, "I peepee and poopoo in potty rest of day!" And she did just that, and repeated the next day and the next. Sure we had a handful of accidents here and there but they were instantly the exception rather than the rule and soon we were picking out 2T undies at Target together. And all I did was set the potty out, tell her what it was for, let her play with it and reward her with chocolate. It was ridiculously simple and I had really made no conscious effort that I was aware of to encourage potty training because her sister had just been born just a few weeks before my eldest potty trained so I was decidedly preoccupied with my newborn baby. But as I have witnessed more talk amongst parents of little ones, I have come to realize that things I considered "nothing" apparently are something that many parents don't at all. I wonder if this could have anything to do with the steadily increasing age at which American little ones potty train. Here are the habits I hear people mention--habits I just don't get, as they seem to be just asking for problems down the road and/or exacerbating existing issues:
1. Getting the most absorbent diaper possible. What is your objective? To let your child pee over and over again in the same diaper? Seems to me this would make diaper rashes worse and teach your child that a wet bottom is normal, a lesson they will have to unlearn later. And the question remains: would you want to sit in a wet diaper so long that it was time to pee in it again and again til someone felt like changing you? I grant you nighttime as an exception. Even my son who we are practicing EC with wears a highly absorbent diaper at night because it's not worth disrupting his and my sleep to potty him or change him at night. (Though mind you, some EC babies do fine pottying at night with very minimal disruption--my second child was one of these, but with my son, we found the cost-benefit ratio didn't lend itself to nighttime EC). But during the day when we're awake, I just can't in good conscience let a baby stay in a wet diaper. Even with my fully-diapered eldest, I changed her as soon as she was wet or dirty. Especially if she was dirty, as it only became harder to clean her (and effectively rinse her cloth diapers) if she stayed in a poopy diaper. I am always surprised when I am in the presence of other parents and I notice their little one went and inform the parent (proud of my detective-work) only to have the parent do nothing or say, "well it's not bothering her (or him) yet" and let it go.
2. Related to 1.: Putting off diaper changes. Sure changing diapers isn't super fun, but you only make the job harder if you wait. Poops are harder to clean, rashes become worse, and your child begins to learn it's within the range of normal to be wet, which is a habit we ask them to subsequently break during the oftentimes willful stage of toddlerhood. I read a review of a waterproof cloth training pant on amazon where the reviewer touted the ease with which the pants can be pulled up and down when her daughter poops on the potty, only to go on and praise the absorbency of the training pant because her daughter doesn't pee on the potty yet and she can leave these training pants on her for 3 hours without a leak. Yikes! How is that a good thing? How will leaving her in wet pants for 3 hours help her learn that pee goes in the potty and not her pants? Moreover, I have seen the following scenario countless times: mobile baby is playing but takes a break, squats and dirties diaper, parent groans but puts off the changing chore for a bit, baby goes back to playing and exploring while wearing their dirty diaper, parent finally decides they better change the baby and scoops him/her up, the baby understandably protests. Why do they protest? Easy: you just taught them, it's ok to poop in your pants then leave it there and go back to your playing, so isn't it plainly obvious that your sudden change of heart just as the baby was playing with his/her favorite toy is totally arbitrary? It was ok to play in a dirty diaper 2 minutes ago, why is now any different? You are effectively disconnecting cause and effect. If you change the baby promptly they learn that messes don't belong in their pants, that mess ---> get it out of pants. If you wait they may become desensitized to the typically annoying feeling of a wet or dirty diaper which then makes it difficult to even remember the cause that required this imposed end to playtime in order to be changed. Now sure you may not notice when your babe goes in their diaper. This still happens to me on a very regular basis. We all get distracted or busy or sometimes our little one isn't very obvious when they go. But as soon as I realize, I change. Again, I can't, in good conscience, knowingly let a baby stay in a wet or dirty diaper--it just feels wrong to me, and probably to them, too.
3. Desiring diapers that wick the moisture away. Ok I'll hand it to you that this might be a helpful quick fix against diaper rash. But if you change diapers promptly, you can have this same benefit. All the wicking away accomplishes is teaching that there's no adverse effect of peeing in your pants. Even if you don't think it's fair for a baby to have to have an "adverse effect" because you aren't going to be ECing, the fact is that babies are born with an desire not to have that wet feeling and we can either teach them that the answer is to go in their pants because the wetness will be wicked away or that as soon as they have that undesirable wet feeling they will be changed. The former sets them up to equate diaper with where you go to the bathroom. The latter keeps them more open-minded to going elsewhere when potty training starts, because then they don't have to have that wet feeling. Again, they can avoid that wet feeling by going in their diaper and having it wicked away or by prompt changing and eventually by going on the potty. Yes the prompt changing won't fully avoid that wet feeling, but that's exactly the point, because when the potty is eventually introduced it will seem more desirable than the diaper because the wet feeling can be entirely avoided rather than mitigated by prompt changing. If you have a diaper that wicks away moisture so well you can't really feel it, then what benefit is the potty to the toddler? It's much easier to keep peeing in your pants than to stop playing, go to the potty, take off your pants and go on the potty. Again, I'll add the caveat that nighttime may be an exception. Along with the absorbent diaper, we have a stay-dry liner for my son. This is so he can not be bothered with that wet feeling while he's sleeping, making for better slumber. Maybe this is just a justification, but I have learned recently that, while babies can be pottied successfully, they do not have a particular hormone that children and adults release during sleep which allows us to go longer stretches without the need to urinate. So for babies, since this hormone isn't present yet, they will pee during the night until they develop this hormonal release, so you can either potty them or use a backup diaper. Thus we decided that since the nighttime pottying wasn't working, the least we could do is make him comfortable in his diaper during the night until he's a little older and can go longer stretches at night without peeing. This happened naturally and spontaneously with my eldest around 18 months. Furthermore for both my eldest and my son, this "stay dry" layer isn't nearly as wicking as a disposable diaper, so there is still some biofeedback going on that there's some annoying wetness, which I think encourages the child to take advantage of the ability to go longer stretches at night as they develop the capacity.
4. Waiting forever to introduce the potty. There's been recent media coverage by "experts" claiming that it's harmful to introduce the potty before 2.5 or 3 yrs old. This flies in the face of the common sense of the rest of the world (where the average potty training age is 1 yr old). As long as you are not being rigid or coercive, what is the harm in discussing the potty? We know humans are capable of being toilet trained from a young age, so "developmental readiness" is just a misnomer, that is clearly colored by our cultural expectations. Traditional societies recognize that we are born "developmentally ready." And even before I knew about that fact, as I said, I did hardly anything to encourage my eldest to potty train. But I did put out a potty and tell her she had a choice: if she wanted, she could go pee and/or poop in the potty like mommy and daddy did instead of in her diaper. It was totally up to her. She decided to do so, on her own, before the age of 2. Was that harmful?? Should I have told her, "No, honey, some 'experts' think it is a bad idea to potty train this young, so you'll have to keep going in your diaper." Such a notion is clearly absurd. Again, I didn't do anything to insist she use the potty, but we began a dialogue about the concept and I set out a little potty for her from about 16 months of age. So I'm not advocating being forceful about this at all, but what could possibly be wrong about talking about the potty so that toddlers start to learn about the idea? What could be bad about helping them develop an awareness by mentioning, oh, are you pooping? Do you want to be changed? Would you like to try peeing on the potty? If they don't want to, fine. If they try it and no pee comes out, fine. If it seems they are just playing with the potty or having their baby dolls go on it instead of them, fine. It's still practice. It's still helping make the potty more familiar and not intimidating. And I believe that helps ease the toilet training process.
5. Shaming the training child over accidents. Yes, accidents are frustrating! I admit, I am human and become irritated sometimes when my child insists he/she doesn't need to go and then 2 minutes later there's a puddle on the floor. But in EC we don't call them "accidents;" we call them "misses." There's a reason for that. Learning about the potty is a process. There are bound to be setbacks, as with any other developmental process. In addition, we need to acknowledge the parental role. We are the potty facilitators. Even for a toddler capable of pulling pants down and up, we still need to remind that it's been a while since they went, or let them know where the bathroom is at a strange place, or warn them that we are going for a long car ride, or help them remember when they are distracted. So it's completely understandable that we'll let something slip through the cracks from time to time, and we should take ownership of that, and not put all the pressure on the child. Besides. What does shaming accomplish? When your boss wants you to get something done at work, would you respond better when you have a setback to your boss shaming you or to your boss discussing it with you respectfully as someone interested in helping you problem-solve, find solutions, and move forward? It's counterproductive to shame. And I think many of us realize this but get caught up in the frustration of the moment. Let it go. They're just little. They're just learning. And if they ever have to change our diapers someday when we're old and decrepit, we wouldn't appreciate them shaming us, would we? Remember, your kids are the ones who will choose your nursing home some day ;)
1. Getting the most absorbent diaper possible. What is your objective? To let your child pee over and over again in the same diaper? Seems to me this would make diaper rashes worse and teach your child that a wet bottom is normal, a lesson they will have to unlearn later. And the question remains: would you want to sit in a wet diaper so long that it was time to pee in it again and again til someone felt like changing you? I grant you nighttime as an exception. Even my son who we are practicing EC with wears a highly absorbent diaper at night because it's not worth disrupting his and my sleep to potty him or change him at night. (Though mind you, some EC babies do fine pottying at night with very minimal disruption--my second child was one of these, but with my son, we found the cost-benefit ratio didn't lend itself to nighttime EC). But during the day when we're awake, I just can't in good conscience let a baby stay in a wet diaper. Even with my fully-diapered eldest, I changed her as soon as she was wet or dirty. Especially if she was dirty, as it only became harder to clean her (and effectively rinse her cloth diapers) if she stayed in a poopy diaper. I am always surprised when I am in the presence of other parents and I notice their little one went and inform the parent (proud of my detective-work) only to have the parent do nothing or say, "well it's not bothering her (or him) yet" and let it go.
2. Related to 1.: Putting off diaper changes. Sure changing diapers isn't super fun, but you only make the job harder if you wait. Poops are harder to clean, rashes become worse, and your child begins to learn it's within the range of normal to be wet, which is a habit we ask them to subsequently break during the oftentimes willful stage of toddlerhood. I read a review of a waterproof cloth training pant on amazon where the reviewer touted the ease with which the pants can be pulled up and down when her daughter poops on the potty, only to go on and praise the absorbency of the training pant because her daughter doesn't pee on the potty yet and she can leave these training pants on her for 3 hours without a leak. Yikes! How is that a good thing? How will leaving her in wet pants for 3 hours help her learn that pee goes in the potty and not her pants? Moreover, I have seen the following scenario countless times: mobile baby is playing but takes a break, squats and dirties diaper, parent groans but puts off the changing chore for a bit, baby goes back to playing and exploring while wearing their dirty diaper, parent finally decides they better change the baby and scoops him/her up, the baby understandably protests. Why do they protest? Easy: you just taught them, it's ok to poop in your pants then leave it there and go back to your playing, so isn't it plainly obvious that your sudden change of heart just as the baby was playing with his/her favorite toy is totally arbitrary? It was ok to play in a dirty diaper 2 minutes ago, why is now any different? You are effectively disconnecting cause and effect. If you change the baby promptly they learn that messes don't belong in their pants, that mess ---> get it out of pants. If you wait they may become desensitized to the typically annoying feeling of a wet or dirty diaper which then makes it difficult to even remember the cause that required this imposed end to playtime in order to be changed. Now sure you may not notice when your babe goes in their diaper. This still happens to me on a very regular basis. We all get distracted or busy or sometimes our little one isn't very obvious when they go. But as soon as I realize, I change. Again, I can't, in good conscience, knowingly let a baby stay in a wet or dirty diaper--it just feels wrong to me, and probably to them, too.
3. Desiring diapers that wick the moisture away. Ok I'll hand it to you that this might be a helpful quick fix against diaper rash. But if you change diapers promptly, you can have this same benefit. All the wicking away accomplishes is teaching that there's no adverse effect of peeing in your pants. Even if you don't think it's fair for a baby to have to have an "adverse effect" because you aren't going to be ECing, the fact is that babies are born with an desire not to have that wet feeling and we can either teach them that the answer is to go in their pants because the wetness will be wicked away or that as soon as they have that undesirable wet feeling they will be changed. The former sets them up to equate diaper with where you go to the bathroom. The latter keeps them more open-minded to going elsewhere when potty training starts, because then they don't have to have that wet feeling. Again, they can avoid that wet feeling by going in their diaper and having it wicked away or by prompt changing and eventually by going on the potty. Yes the prompt changing won't fully avoid that wet feeling, but that's exactly the point, because when the potty is eventually introduced it will seem more desirable than the diaper because the wet feeling can be entirely avoided rather than mitigated by prompt changing. If you have a diaper that wicks away moisture so well you can't really feel it, then what benefit is the potty to the toddler? It's much easier to keep peeing in your pants than to stop playing, go to the potty, take off your pants and go on the potty. Again, I'll add the caveat that nighttime may be an exception. Along with the absorbent diaper, we have a stay-dry liner for my son. This is so he can not be bothered with that wet feeling while he's sleeping, making for better slumber. Maybe this is just a justification, but I have learned recently that, while babies can be pottied successfully, they do not have a particular hormone that children and adults release during sleep which allows us to go longer stretches without the need to urinate. So for babies, since this hormone isn't present yet, they will pee during the night until they develop this hormonal release, so you can either potty them or use a backup diaper. Thus we decided that since the nighttime pottying wasn't working, the least we could do is make him comfortable in his diaper during the night until he's a little older and can go longer stretches at night without peeing. This happened naturally and spontaneously with my eldest around 18 months. Furthermore for both my eldest and my son, this "stay dry" layer isn't nearly as wicking as a disposable diaper, so there is still some biofeedback going on that there's some annoying wetness, which I think encourages the child to take advantage of the ability to go longer stretches at night as they develop the capacity.
4. Waiting forever to introduce the potty. There's been recent media coverage by "experts" claiming that it's harmful to introduce the potty before 2.5 or 3 yrs old. This flies in the face of the common sense of the rest of the world (where the average potty training age is 1 yr old). As long as you are not being rigid or coercive, what is the harm in discussing the potty? We know humans are capable of being toilet trained from a young age, so "developmental readiness" is just a misnomer, that is clearly colored by our cultural expectations. Traditional societies recognize that we are born "developmentally ready." And even before I knew about that fact, as I said, I did hardly anything to encourage my eldest to potty train. But I did put out a potty and tell her she had a choice: if she wanted, she could go pee and/or poop in the potty like mommy and daddy did instead of in her diaper. It was totally up to her. She decided to do so, on her own, before the age of 2. Was that harmful?? Should I have told her, "No, honey, some 'experts' think it is a bad idea to potty train this young, so you'll have to keep going in your diaper." Such a notion is clearly absurd. Again, I didn't do anything to insist she use the potty, but we began a dialogue about the concept and I set out a little potty for her from about 16 months of age. So I'm not advocating being forceful about this at all, but what could possibly be wrong about talking about the potty so that toddlers start to learn about the idea? What could be bad about helping them develop an awareness by mentioning, oh, are you pooping? Do you want to be changed? Would you like to try peeing on the potty? If they don't want to, fine. If they try it and no pee comes out, fine. If it seems they are just playing with the potty or having their baby dolls go on it instead of them, fine. It's still practice. It's still helping make the potty more familiar and not intimidating. And I believe that helps ease the toilet training process.
5. Shaming the training child over accidents. Yes, accidents are frustrating! I admit, I am human and become irritated sometimes when my child insists he/she doesn't need to go and then 2 minutes later there's a puddle on the floor. But in EC we don't call them "accidents;" we call them "misses." There's a reason for that. Learning about the potty is a process. There are bound to be setbacks, as with any other developmental process. In addition, we need to acknowledge the parental role. We are the potty facilitators. Even for a toddler capable of pulling pants down and up, we still need to remind that it's been a while since they went, or let them know where the bathroom is at a strange place, or warn them that we are going for a long car ride, or help them remember when they are distracted. So it's completely understandable that we'll let something slip through the cracks from time to time, and we should take ownership of that, and not put all the pressure on the child. Besides. What does shaming accomplish? When your boss wants you to get something done at work, would you respond better when you have a setback to your boss shaming you or to your boss discussing it with you respectfully as someone interested in helping you problem-solve, find solutions, and move forward? It's counterproductive to shame. And I think many of us realize this but get caught up in the frustration of the moment. Let it go. They're just little. They're just learning. And if they ever have to change our diapers someday when we're old and decrepit, we wouldn't appreciate them shaming us, would we? Remember, your kids are the ones who will choose your nursing home some day ;)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)