I would like to just get these 7 things off my chest, because I hear SOOOOOO many moms (even in the AP community) shocked when they encounter some of them and/or posing questions about them in looking for "solutions" to their "problem." None of these are necessarily "problems." All of them are totally normal!! But our society does us moms a disservice for not disclosing them before we embark on the journey of motherhood. So consider this a full-disclosure in attempt to make up for the fact that no one ever tells you these things!!
1. Many babies hate the car. Being out of mama's arms, strapped in, and traveling at a high rate of speed is a very foreign experience for a new human, and it can be unsettling. If baby dislikes the car, chances are she will scream continually, especially at red lights, no matter what music you play, toys you offer, style of car seat you use, or anything else you can think of to make the journey more pleasant. The screaming will distract you a million times more than any texting while driving ever could. The good news is that as long as that screaming still bothers you, you have not lost sight of what Dr. Sears calls "Belief in the importance of baby's cries." This is important not to lose sight of because crying is all babies know how to do to communicate and we forge a profound bond with them by hearing them with our hearts and being as responsive as we can. Of course, this may be impossible when you're behind the wheel. How to deal with it, then? There's no good solution except time. Most babies will grow out of their hatred of the car within a year or two. Til then, try to keep car rides to a minimum (can daddy run out to get the groceries? can you optimize the times you are out to take the shortest route, with the least amount of lights and traffic? etc.), and see if there is a time of day that baby is less likely to disdain a car ride. A tired baby may eventually fall asleep instead of screaming, for example. And finally, if there are older siblings or a partner who can sit beside baby in the car seat, this may at least help baby feel she is not alone, and it's always better to be upset in someone's company than be upset and feel alone.
2. Babies expect to be held constantly. It is in their evolutionary nature. Primates keep their vulnerable young close at all times, and we humans are primates. Baby is not born knowing that he is perfectly safe in his bouncy seat. He is born expecting that if an adult is not with him, he is vulnerable to predators. He will then cry as a defense mechanism to try to get a human adult to hold him again in those arms he knows as "safe." Holding babies is good for their growth and development, and they basically never want to be put down before they are old enough to be mobile. How to do what you need to do, then? Baby carriers offer a win-win solution. Baby gets to be near you, and you have a hand or two free to do the things you need to do.
3. It is normal for babies to wake many times each night. Babies have tiny stomachs that need frequent refilling. They also have a desire for closeness (see point 2). For these reasons if they are alone and needing snuggles or hungry and needing nourishment, they will wake up. Babies' sleep cycles are completely different from adults', and this is a good thing. They are still learning how to regulate their breathing at night while slumbering, so frequent arousal helps them not to fall into too deep a sleep from which they cannot wake. How to get some shut-eye, then? Bring baby to bed with you or keep baby near your bed. You can then respond quickly when they awaken, and minimize disruption to your sleep. Also try to realize that it is not appropriate to expect independent sleep for long periods of time for at least the first year or two of life--it may happen on occasion but likely not consistently. Fear not, though--eventually they do learn to sleep through the night, and babies who are nurtured with close proximity to a caregiver at night learn that bedtime is not a scary time. Thus the bonus is well-adjusted children who do not resist bedtime and have learned to sleep like a log.
4. Diapers are a modern invention--babies can learn to go potty from day one. This is a subject for a whole different post in order to give it proper attention. But suffice to say that in most places of the world, diapers are not accessible and/or are a luxury item that not everyone can afford. How do you handle the output, then? You can, if you choose, hold baby over a potty of some sort and help them go to the bathroom. Over time you can also associate a sound or signal (such as sign language) with their elimination, and this will serve as a way both for you to communicate that you have them in position to go and for the baby to eventually communicate back to you a need to go. This technique, in the West, has thus fittingly been dubbed "elimination communication," but it has basically been a way of life for most humans across the globe for most of human history until the advent of the diaper. And even if you don't want to do infant potty training full time, you can choose to just do it part time--maybe even just once/day. And even if you don't do it at all, the take away message is: don't worry about it being "too soon" to introduce the potty in toddlerhood--there is no such thing as "too soon," assuming you are not being coercive in introducing it. Any gentle introduction to the potty at any time will help with eventual potty training, whenever that takes place.
5. Natural human weaning age is an average of 4 yrs. This may seem long by societal standards, but it has been studied anthropologically by Kathy Dettwyler. She found that the natural weaning age of humans is anywhere between 2.5 and 7 years of age, with 4 years being the average. It is unlikely that any baby under the age of 1 that appears to self-wean is actually doing so--typically other factors are involved such as a nursing strike, weaning onto a bottle, mother becoming pregnant, use of artificial nipples and/or bottles, etc. But nurslings will eventually self-wean when they outgrow the need, which is usually after a few years if there are no outside factors artificially changing the dynamics of the nursing relationship, like those mentioned above. Furthermore, the World Health Organization recommends a minimum of 2 years of breastfeeding. So what to do when you fret that your baby's getting too old to be nursing? Relax--it is natural and appropriate to breastfeed your baby for years rather than months.
6. Pumping is a poor gauge of milk supply but it can affect your milk supply. No pump in the world is as efficient as your baby. So if you feel worried that you don't seem able to pump a large quantity, this is not necessarily an indicator of poor supply. Most mothers are able to make enough milk to feed their young. And if you're worried there are other gauges that are more accurate: Is baby gaining good weight? Does she have enough wet and soiled diapers? I call these the input-output gauges--where there is output, there must have been input. In other words, if you see the effects of sufficient breastmilk, then you can deduce the cause: that you have a sufficient supply. But also beware, pumping can affect your milk supply if you pump a lot. This is precisely because a pump is not as efficient as a baby, and your body will make milk based on a supply-demand balance. If there is less "demand" because the pump isn't as efficient at "demanding" milk, then the supply may decrease as a result. How can you mitigate this, then? If you can get your supply well established in the first few months, before relying too much on pumped breastmilk to feed your baby, you will be less likely to suffer the worst detrimental effects of pumping on your supply. Plus if you can wait a few months, you are closer to the time when baby can also have solids for nourishment, so that if your supply takes a hit, baby can obtain calories from food, too.
7. If you become pregnant while nursing your baby, you can continue nursing, but you most likely will lose most, if not all, of your milk. While it is true that some women nurse through a pregnancy without suffering so much as a dip in milk supply, it is much more common for mom to suffer a significant or total loss of milk supply. Nursing may still be beneficial for bonding, and maintaining potential to tandem nurse after the new baby is born and milk returns, but if your nursling is very young when you become pregnant again, you must be aware that you may end up needing alternate food if your supply drops. This is NOT something you can usually do anything about! Unlike the supply-demand principle that rules during a typical breastfeeding relationship, once pregnancy hormones enter the equation, all bets are off, and the hormonal changes generally do not allow the supply-demand principle to hold. So increasing demand by nursing more often does not mean your supply will respond. Also typical lactogenic foods or supplements for increasing supply tend not work either. How to keep your nursling getting breastmilk, that perfect food, then? Well, if you can, it is better to space out pregnancies so that, at the very least, your nursling is well into solid foods before you become pregnant again (ie. not until your nursling is at least 9 months to a year old). This way if you do lose your milk, your nursling will be able to compensate with eating more foods, and you can keep nursing for comfort and bonding if you choose. Of course it's possible you didn't intend to become pregnant as soon as you find yourself pregnant again, and maybe your baby is still very young. If this is the case, you can still nurse your baby, but you may need to supplement partly or entirely so you should carefully monitor baby's weight gain and wet/soiled diapers, look for signs of dehydration, etc. If you need to supplement and you are committed to breastmilk for your baby, you can look into donor milk. If your baby will not take a bottle, you could try what is called a "supplemental nursing system" or SNS for short. This consists of a tube that is inserted beside your nipple as the baby nurses. The tube then goes to a pouch full of the supplement of your choice. This way the baby is still getting the natural feel of nursing but obtaining supplemental calories from donor milk or formula.
